Jack Blackadder

Livestreamer

Disablity Awareness & Ablism

How is it that outing racism is okay, outing homophobia is okay, but as soon as you out ablism people act like you're filth or crazy? - No. F*** that.

We get called “overemotional” and ”unrealistic” whenever a potential employer, ‘friend’, etc makes bigoted remarks about what we should or shouldn’t be able to do.

"But my mom had cancer and she worked while in chemo..."
"But I know others with fibro and they work"

Many people just have one problem. If they're able to deal or not depends on the situation, the severity, and how long they've had the disease. Basically every instance of an illness is unique. Some are more able than others. Get over yourself. And as for the cancer, her cancer went away. Fibromyalgia? Crohns? They get worse over time. Sometimes even acceleratedly so, depending on genetics.

"I offered you work and you quit/refused"
Because it didn't fit - I wasn't able to do it and it paid shit. I’m disabled, not sub-human.

"I didn't share your Go Fund Me even though I shared a working mom's because you -had- to be more able than you let on & you're able enough."
That ones especially irking, and as you can see… specific and personal.
So you’ll refuse to employ me because I’m disabled, then not share my GFM so I can pay rent as I was promised a job (by you) that backed out? Because you think I’m “able enough” - and supposedly you’re my friend? ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO. I won’t get put in the corner just because I called you out.

Do you realize how hypocritical this talk sounds now? Until you wake up everyday literally feeling like you were hit by car (literally literally, not millennial-speak ‘literally’), vomit and/or shit for hours after waking up, are unable to make eye contact and carry on spoken communication, and feel like at any moment you’ll get shot or… worse… when a MAN walks in a room? You’re really going to challenge my personal experience? … Would you do that to an LGBTQ+? Person of color? No. Because you know better and people that stuff seriously.

We deserve the same respect. We’re disabled, not mentally defunct and unable to register your microaggressions.

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ProJared

ProJared... wtf man?

I've made it a rule to be honest with my viewers. When I'm depressed, about my ex-family, about my ex, when I was dating, income, where money goes and what the credit was for, etc.

AND THEN HERE COMES THIS GUY. Cheats on his wife, allegedly exchanges nudes with teens, allegedly sleeps with another streamer, allegedly invites women to an 18+ Snapchat... This hurts people, whether the victims realize it yet or not.

I was a fan of him up until this. He seemed harmless. He was funny, and tbh he is one of the reasons I started streaming. Finding this out... It's disheartening. Yet again someone I looked up to turns out to be a shady scumbag

He's not a good role model nor someone I want to be. I want to be a good role-model to young people and adults. Open and honest, even if sometimes to my detriment. I just... I don't want to be that guy. At all. tbh the whole thing is messing with me. For the sake of my influencer status, I may even quit FetLife again. Hell, even Tinder and OkCupid.

Sexuality is healthy, but taking advantage of your status for it goes against my ethics completely. And given my "lack of interest in others" sexually anyway, while I want to date again... Yeah, Just not worth sending the wrong message about who I am.

I may also leave the poly groups. People STILL don't accept it, and finding out any way other than through me could lead to falsifications and assumptions. So that's out too.

What I'm doing, it's something I love and want to keep doing for a long time. Streaming is honestly the only thing I live to do anymore. Life-bullshit? Its just drama. Other jobs? Just draining. Working for someone else so they can make money off me when I barely see any of the fruits of that? I dislike it. It makes me feel like a pawn, and that's not a good way to feel. I'd rather be a leader or at least -FEEL- l like part of a team. ...People don't do that. DJs and artists, craftsmen, service people, etc feel like anything office-work based is somehow lesser than what they do. Yet without one, the other falls apart. Any business, all businesses. And often that team you work with may be the closest thing you have to a family. Luckily the one real job I have? Starting to feel like a team.

People don't acknowledge that. It's always JUST about pay, JUST about hours. Streaming though? The most free I've ever been, and my "clients" - the viewers? Close to family. I've gotten better and better, and I've overcome a lot of technical problems by MacGuyvering shit. It's fulfilling. So fuck yeah it's important, even if my ex didn't get it. Even if no one I date ever gets it. And it's worth being honest, 100%.

Anyway. Sorry about this. I just had to get the words out after seeing this mess.

Technical Difficulties

Even though my sleep schedule is normal now, I haven’t been able to stream.

My air conditioner ate shit Tuesday, and without it the temperatures been too hot for my equipment. I mean, I may not have bought it all but I also don’t want to destroy it. So given I couldn’t stream without it (OR do the weekly contracts for my workplace)… Today I bought a new air conditioner with my credit card.

I’ll be doing a 24hr stream at some point in hopes of earning it back to pay off that debt - I have enough bills as it is. And at the moment this doesn’t pay a lot, as I was offline and forgotten for so long. Regardless… It’s not a guilt trip, just a reason for the urgency.

Hope to see you soon!

The Etika Dilemma

Heavy content creation, be it edited video content or livestreams, can take a heavy psychological toll on creators. This is no more evident than Etika’s recent and unfortunate descent into a dark place. A long time Smash Bros content creator who was jettisoned into stardom overnight, Etika’s mental stability was weakened by his constant attention, viewers who enjoy what I refer to as “watching trainwrecks”, and his desperate need to change his content in to better match himself and his changing interests.

DJs often struggle with similar issues, often manifesting in alcohol abuse and drug addiction. I’m fairly familar from my short time as a DJ and via working within the industry even today - if only tangentally. So it’s easy for me to say assuredly that all content creators need to keep an eye on their mental wellness, and ideally have friends that will reach out when they seem to be crossing lines they wouldn’t otherwise cross. It’s also absolutely OKAY and a necessity to reach out to professionals, even if you think you’re alright, as a secondary mechanism for retaining your mental clarity. I myself have started this year, and it’s helped me deal with the demands of streaming, trying to earn money to pay medical bills/credit cards, loss, my past traumas, and lonliness.

Please; If you are a fellow streamer, creator, DJ - seek help. Even if things are fine in your own eyes. Burnout is real, peer pressure and audience-led antagonizing of detrimental behaviours is real, and the risk to yourself is (again) real. Don’t become Etika - a man who was unstable and unfortunately had himself banned from the very platforms that gave him his audience & ended up losing his mind and being arrested & committed with the world watching. Media outlets will probably try to turn this man into a political statement… and ‘fuck you’ for that. This man is a victim, and through my previous statements I’m sure you can see why. I’m a pretty liberal person… but c’mon. You wouldn’t attack someone for being developmentally challenged, so don’t attack someone emotionally unstable - both are kinda’ outta’ the victim’s control.

Don’t allow that to happen. Always stay on high-alert - seek help if you can. What we do is… it’s dangerous, on many levels. High risk. But with help, I believe we can still do what we do and keep the psychological fortitude to keep doing what we do.

If you need help or would like to help others, you can join my Content Creator Support Group on Discord here. However, if it's an emergency, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-8255 OR use their online chat feature.

Streaming Schedule for 5/5 - 5/11

5/5 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)
5/6 - 2PM - 8PM EST
5/7 - (Doctor’s Apt) 2PM-8PM EST*
5/8 - 2PM - 8PM EST
5/9 - 2PM - 8PM EST
5/10 - (Doctor’s Apt) 2PM-8PM EST*
5/11 - 10AM - 6PM EST

*(Doctor’s Apt) days are very difficult, leading to panic attacks due to leaving the house. While I try to keep to schedule, sometimes I’m simply not recovered in time for the livestream. I hope you understand.

Schedule Changes

I'm sorry for being offline the past two days. I'm trying to recallibrate my sleep schedule. GMT viewers are generally a bulk of my audience, so a schedule change had to happen.

I appologize for the sudden change, but it really is for the best.

Religion

So… I’m not religious.

I mean, there’s probably some power out there greater than man - mathematically it’s impertive there would be. I don’t think it’s the old testament one because the guy was a selfish pompous ass. What? He was. And the one from the new testament was more forgiving and loving, but it’s just so inconsistant. Asshole to angel in a couple chapters. It’s not Muhummad’s either. I mean, the gods just as much of an ass as the old testament one.

Like, no offense, but any religion that commands you to be an asshole to other people or risk being an societal outcast? That’s nooo good. No one deserves that. You don’t have to believe in a specific god to know right from wrong, try to do the right thing, try to benefit as many people as possible who otherwise wouldn’t have decent situations, and at least hope the next day of your life doesn’t suck. Like, do you even realize how much we could accomplish if we just stopped bickering about if god is real, or isn’t real, or which one is right?

On Sept 11 I learned that some people are so set on their religion and values being right, they’d kill innocent people. And then I learned it applies to all religions, that anyone could easily be affected to destroy the lives of others. I didn’t stop believing because of what God did or didn’t do, I didn’t say it just because I wanted to hurt God for making my life hell - and it has been, but that’s not why. I said it because of those dangerous backwards-minded regressive fanatics.

And as for that good people do? Most of them do it because they’re genuinely good people. Shaena’s step mom, Sam’s mom, etc. You can say it’s the religion all you want, but I know plenty who look at me like some scourge for not doing what they wanted. My own church, Fairlawn Presbyterian in VA? Once my great great aunt passed, they abandoned me immediately even though they knew I wasn’t physically well. I came from trash, I must be trash… and that was their religion. That was their intolerance, fear, disbelief. They destroyed me, or rather they’re part of what did, taking away my trust because I was supposed to count on them like family.

Shaena’s step mom, Sam’s mom, aunt Ebbie? Those are decent people who do it because it’s right. Not because some book tells them to. It’s genuine, and that’s the kind of person I want to be. I don’t need some tome to tell me to be nice and help others, to be decent, to care… It’s just what’s right.

Someone came into my stream and they were suicidal, depressed AF. I’ve been there, so I mustered up the guts to reply. I told them… I said they needed to stop thinking about who they’d hurt if they died - drop that responsibility. I said to think about the things in life they love and care about. Is that worth losing? Because if we only live once, if there’s no afterlife, I wanna’ live every day best I can - but I also want to be easy-going enough to have hope tomorrow will be better. Every tomorrow. So if they could like… not kill themselves… there really might be a lot to live for, not responsibilities under the guise of ‘things to live for’. Real reasons. Real chances at happiness.

I only hope it helped.

So despite what ministers will try to tell you, you don’t need a god. Don’t need an afterlife. Don’t need the threat of eternal damnation otherwise to be good. Just do what you can to make others’ lives better, don’t hurt nobody if you can help it, and try to do your best. So when I’m dying and have to ask myself if I was a good person? I honestly think I can reply “yes”. Afterlife or no, I’ll go out satisfied with myself.

So you don’t have to believe in gods or angels or bullshit rules some desert-dwelling backwards religio-fascists made up. Just be decent even if someone’s different. Hell, especially if they’re different. Poor, meak, disabled, depressed - these people need help, me included. The Golden Rule of “do unto others” exists in every single religion, even Satanic. In all the bullshit there’s one single grain of truth. Just… do that. Religious or not, it’s good for the human species. And do what you love, because you only get one chance at this life. One. Not multiple, no afterlife, just one single chance.

Thats what I believe.

Streaming Schedule for 4/28-5/4

4/28 - 8PM-2AM EST
4/29 - 8PM-2AM EST
4/30 - 8PM-2AM EST
5/1 - 8PM-2AM EST
5/2 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)
5/3 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)
5/4 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)

*(Doctor’s Apt) days are very difficult, leading to panic attacks due to leaving the house. While I try to keep to schedule, sometimes I’m simply not recovered in time for the livestream. I hope you understand.

Streaming Schedule for 4/21-4/27

4/21 - 8PM-12AM EST

4/22 - 7PM-1AM EST

4/23 - 7PM-1AM EST

4/24 - (Doctor’s Apt) / 7PM?-1AM EST

4/25 - 4PM-1AM EST

4/26 - 4PM-1AM EST

4/27 - 10AM-4PM EST

*(Doctor’s Apt) days are very difficult, leading to panic attacks due to leaving the house. While I try to keep to schedule, sometimes I’m simply not recovered in time for the livestream. I hope you understand.

Birthday

My birthday was Saturday, for those unaware.

I didn’t make a big-to-do really, just streamed as usual. While I’d rather be at a party or something like that, there simply wasn’t one. Spoonie did give me a gift of a container of G-Fuel earlier this week. That was nice. Otherwise… that was it. No night out, no Smash Bros, no drinking.

I realize that at 37, I’m shouldn’t expect “presents”, a party, cards… but I also didn’t get that as a kid, teen, or young adult. So having missed that, I crave that. I had really really hoped that I’d get tips, so I streamed a long time Friday and Saturday. I really needed that sort of extra cash for bills, to help aleviate financial stress.

I dunno. It was just a bummer, my blog is here, it was kind of an important day… so yeah. Bummer.

Thank you to my friend Sam's Mom

As most of my viewers are aware, I took a consolidation loan on all the rent and life-essential crap I had used debit cards to cover when I was bedridden and when I first moved into the city. My boss was late paying me… again… and the 15th is the day the consolidation loan’s payment goes through my bank account.

After three days of stressing (as before that I was “sure he’d pay on time”), I asked for help. I hate asking, as I feel like I did the work and should at least be able to cover my bills - and I don’t like burdening others. Sam’s Mom helped me out. Which is why I’ll be streaming this evening and not devolved into my usual fetal-position-avoiding-everything-including-streams.

I still owe her back the money, though. So hopefully I see more tips in streams, as I’d really like to have some fall-back money (at least $400) in my account for when my pay is late.

Thanks Sam’s Mom. I truly do appreciate it.

Updates on Streaming Equipment + GameLibBooster

Good news!
I’ve ended the problems with streams being put to a sudden end by building a second streaming PC.

I was saving these parts for a PC I was going to build and sell, as obviously I needed the money more than the parts. However… If I wanted to keep streaming and make any money at it, especially if I wanted sponsors, I had to fix the problem.

  • Ryzen 5 1600 CPU @ 3450mhz

  • 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX RAM @ 3200mhz

  • ASRock AB350M Pro 4

  • XFX RS Black RX 570 OC 4GB

    - MAX GPU @ 1600mhz, Mem @ 6000mhz

  • Razer Ripsaw USB Capture Card

  • Logitech C922X Webcam

  • AmazonBasics Professional USB Condenser Microphone

Parts like the mic, cam, and capture card were taken from the gaming PC. However, that many more resources are now freed for stable gaming… Oh but if only it were that easy.

FFXV in specific continues to crash, though I can’t seem to find why. Everything has been done, from uninstalling unused software to checking the Steam install. CCleaner scans are completed, antivirus scans check out. I have no idea what changed … OR I wish I could say that. I suspect the problem is related to Windows 10’s recent update and nVidia’s drivers. I do expect these to be resolved within the month.
YOU READ THAT MICROSOFT? GET YOU S*** TOGETHER!

However, thanks to the guys at Nurgo Software, the copy of GameLibBooster they provided me has boosted load times SIGNIFICANTLY. I was honestly impressed as load times were cut in literal half, as opposed to streams pre-Part 11. This will be great for other games in the future… preferably ones that don’t crash. I really do appreciate it and absolutely suggest this if you’re running multiple storage drives.

Anyway… I’d best edit the about page with the new PCs specs. Thanks for reading!

Why are you such a strange git?

Ah. Good question.

Almost completely irrelevant to this, l I bring you a constant within Japan that’s tengental. There it is common for someone to be really good at one single field. They immerse themselves within it, and while what here we’d consider different skills are learned, they’re mastered insofar as complementing the focal point.

For me, that’s PC hardware.

In the US, things are different. People waste their time with non-parallel hobbies like teams sports, going in a circle in a car the fastest, pretending to wrestle as show-y as possible. As well as religion and the targeting of ‘the Other’, reducing them to some perceived sleight via the completely subjective theme of “sin”, and following by purging them from the social space.

No. No thank you. I have things to do, and I’d rather slam my nether-regions in a sliding glass door than partake in the lunacy.

I build computers better than 90% of people using 50% of the parts, mostly because in almost every case I have to MacGuyver some creative way to use as few of a product or part as possible for the sake of cost, while managing to retain the same functionality. As any retired IT with years in the industry - this is your job.

To you its a “thing that works”, to me its far more complex. Aerodynamics, in terms of interior cooling. Applied thermal dynamics. Electrical engineering. Soldering. Graphic design, in terms of case decal design. You have to view power input as plumbing, water cooling as plumbing, and never the two shall meet. It’s complex, from tubing lengths to electric-to-heat conversions. It’s a history - from giant FORTAN computer rooms of old, to the ZX Spectrum and NES in everyone’s homes in the 80’s, to modern business computers and the PlayStation 4.

Granted, I do love gaming. But what enables you to game? Computers, game consoles, things that require this very knowledge - even if' its simply to repair one or something.

That’s what I care about. No other field could interest me more than computer hardware. In Japan that would be appreciated in terms of dedication and the honing of personal skill; the craft of it all. In the US it’s seen as “really effing weird”.

So basically - “Because society, now stop asking dumb questions”.

KOOLASON 12V 240W DIY Cooler

Recently der8auer released a video using a DIY water chiller, however his power consumption and heat removed were far less than optimal.

I would actually use this instead. Just one 240w cooler. I’d like to do a video on it, so maybe I’ll get lucky and by putting this out there I can get a sponsor for the video… In this case, someone to get me the part. If it works, summer streaming would be a lot easier for me, as this room is generally very hot and is why I didn’t stream last summer.

I know this is a touchy subject, but...

I worry. I saw Fredrik Knudsen’s video TempleOS | Down the Rabbit Hole and it actually got me really… down.

From the outside, I know I seem like this strange little broken man-thing. That there are people who don’t take what I say at face value. I truly do put a lot of effort into this, and even my side jobs (when I can find them). I feel like I’ll never be taken seriously. What if one day I find I’ve lost everything, have nowhere to turn, and I’m driven to do the one thing that any other time I’d not do? ”Largely ignored” or “downvoted”?

I didn’t want any of this. In “real life” I just wanted to be left alone, while online I wanted to connect with the like-minded. I didn’t want to pretend I’m something I’m not. I worry I’m seen as a man child, looked down upon, seen as ‘crazy’ or incompetent. Am I really as bad as Terry, but instead of an unsightly abortion of an OS - livestreams?

Honestly, I won’t deny I really want reassurance. That I’m not some nut bar, that I won’t fail miserably at this, that there’s some sort of safety net if I do fail. But I also know that isn’t coming, so I end up making things worse. I panic over bills and how I’ll pay them, and about my future. I get terrified and ask for help. I’m ignored. I try even harder at all of this. I exhaust myself, get sicker, panic more. It’s a cycle and I worry it makes me look like a nutjob.

Hopefully its just a matter of continuing to try, keep going until I prove all those people wrong. At least I really hope that’s the case.