Jack Blackadder

Livestreamer & Content Creator

Mental Health

I have not been myself. Perhaps for over a year now. For someone so enthusiastic about others’ well-being, it’s ironic I suppose that I should be in this situation.

I was recently diagnosed with “Major Depressive Disorder - Severe”. That combined with the stress of trying to manage Fibromyalgia & Crohn’s pain, struggling to pay rent and bills, struggling to fund additional work, and… Well, I guess the next thing is a paragraph unto itself.

My last partner. We dated for seven years and… while she hurt me a lot, cheated, hid things from me. I ended up leaving her. Despite the fact I actually needed the day-to-day help, her “translating” my autistic blithering to bosses & friends, and the occasional once-every-few-months trip for groceries. I also had to quit my second job, as she worked there and seeing her was difficult - not to mention my boss was an eletist prick. You know the kind, acts like you’re a child and like “disabled “ means mentally disabled - not physically - and like “if you’d just try harder…”. I hated that. Worse still, like “mentally disabled” (again, I’m physically disabled, not mentally) have less bills than a “normal” person. Nothing has been the same since.

That spreads out though. Friends I’d come to depend on and trust, they stopped responding on Facebook. Being homebound I use Facebook as a primary means to communicate. Well, “used”. After recent events I’ve avoided Facebook. I digress… Our friends, even once that knew me first, congregated towards her. Post after post, no response. No comments. No ‘likes’. No messages. But they commented and liked her posts often, and I’d even seen they’d met offline. This hurt. I have been pleading for help with daily tasks, life management, finding small jobs to raise money for monthly bills and rent. Even just compassion and understanding, maybe an invitation out to do a thing.

It all culminated when I attempted to take my own life about two weeks ago.

I’ve been working through matters in therapy, or the best I can.I explained what I was feeling in an “Important - Please Read” post on Facebook. Told them what I’m telling you. How I feel abandoned, that I don’t want to be a burden but that I desperately need help with my life , need their understanding, patience, and encouragement. And then said if they feel that’s… not something they can/want to do then I' want them to delete me.

I want to live. I feel like even though I’m disabled, I have a lot to offer. I have artwork I want to complete, games I want to play, a book I want to write. When I’m not ‘running around half-crazed’ trying to survive, I’d do anything for my friends. I used to be a shoulder to cry on, to give advice, help with projects. or at least the ones I was physically able to do. I’m a good person, I try hard, I absorb skills like a MacGuyver-sponge, I have value if I’m just… if I weren’t dropped when things get tough.

I’m waiting for SSD and Section 8. The process will take months, government red tape, hearings, doctors visits.It will vastly improve my quality of life. I’ll be able to live rather than merely survive. But… there’s always a but. At the moment? I need another $400 a month just to cover rent. If I don’t my neighbors/roommates will lose their home. It will be my fault. I can’t afford movers to handle the move, since I can neither drive nor move the stuff, so I’ll effectively lose my belongings again. Shelters only let you stay the night, and given my mobility is limited I won’t be able to just…. get there and leave and spend all day wandering. I can’t do it again.

The last time I was homeless was 2011. I had a messy breakup with Stat1k. We’re close friends now, we both admitted our faults, we went over what we’d change if we could go back. Anyway, in Winter 2010 I went to NYC. A friend invited me and paid for my ticket. A month later I was out, mid December, nowhere to go. There was a massive blizzard on the east coast, and it was Hell. I slept on the subway, wandered the streets hiding from others. All I had was a leather trench coat, black jeans, a t-shirt, and some Chucks with plastic shopping bags tied around them to keep the ice out. Eventually I crashed with her brother until I could get back to PA. But after that nerve damage made it so I can’t feel my fingertips or the bottoms of my feet.

I don’t have a couch to crash on this time. I won’t have my computer for work, so I’ll lose my job. I won’t be able to stream for extra money (when people actually tip anyway). I’ll just be knee deep in credit card debt with nothing to show for itr, no home, And it’s not catastrophizing as my… oblivious pain management doctor assumes. But she doesn’t believe my parents and “family” would refuse to help, or that most of my friends can’t/won’t either. Most pain management patients there are… upper-middle class. And women. Specifically the kind with husbands to support them, or who had real estate before Fibromyalgia and/or Crohn’s took hold. For one, men with it are not as common. For another, mine took hold as a teenager, along with Syncope.

I assure you, I’m not saying this for pity. Just to get my story out.

My fear of a repeat situation lead to my recent suicide attempt. Starting from zero a fourth time, losing everything every five years on average. If that’s all there is… if I’m merely surviving, life isn’t worth it. Getting Section 8 without already living in an apartment that accepts it is next to impossible. Low-income housing complexes are limited, and even harder to get into. SSD is… hard enough with a home, but without? And despite my nagging Gov. Tom Wolf about reinstating cash assistance for the disabled, it’s gone unnoticed by the media - even though it helped save and better lives and was only 0.10% of the PA annual budget. So without work, income, a place to rest since I’m nearly bedridden again, and dealing with depression and chronic illness? …I’d do it again if that was definite.

I’m trying to look at the best-case scenario, where I get through this, I’m able to make the extra $400/mo to keep my home until it’s secured. So I can be positive and contribute to my friends’ lives. So I can do all these art projects, create, maybe even sell - if I’m lucky. And of course so when I stream, I’m not doing it “for the money”, which in itself guarantees failure - rather because… it’s something I care about. The one hobby I have left I can do easily. I want a better life so badly. So my heart doesn’t constantly feel like it’ll explode under the stress like it does now.

Sorry… I’ve unpacked a lot with this post. Frustrations with abandonment, a godawful financial situation, clinical depression, loss of family, homelessness… I’m not doing well on my goal of not sounding like the Temple OS guy. Still, this is why I’m struggling with my mental health. This… mess.

I’m going to try to get back to streaming soon. Ideally this evening. I hope I can still be at least semi-entertaining. I really do want to be a positive voice, and hopefully soon a success story I can use to elevate others in my situation.

Experiment's new name

We’ve finally settled on a name for the J&H Experiment - “HiJack’d”. Because Hi[kari] and Jack.

I’m currently transcoding footage, but the new episode should be up today or tomorrow, and Tues, Weds, & Thurs following weeks from now on. I’d try for more, but I’m just in really bad health anymore.

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Dealing with severe depression & poor health

This have been very difficult for me lately.

I was diagnosed with severe depression this year just as it reached its height - and then got worse beyond that. I haven’t played video games - although I obviously watch Hikari play for the J&H Experiment/HiJack’d. I’m not well enough to be on camera. So… I just haven’t.

You want someone fun to be on the streams, and I’m just not anymore. I’m just too stressed. Nothing is fun, and I can’t tell if I want something good to happen so I can get through things… or have a few small good things happen so I can go out on a high note. I’m constantly tired, sleeping dozens of hours at once each day..

I am getting therapy, though. I’m trying and want to enjoy things again. I’m doing things like starting a keto diet to get healthier (especially since I can’t eat much else thanks to crohn’s and allergies). I’m hoping I’m better, if not well, soon.

In the meantime, I am having a lot of trouble coming up with money for rent and bills as this year, for the first time since becoming not-bedridden. I haven’t been able to do my usual construction work. That usually covered bills and supplemented most of my Winter through Spring payments.

If you can spare even a few dollars to hold me over until I fond more work and can stream again, I’d greatly appreciate it.. I realize it’s something a lot of people hate seeing, but I could really use the support. Even e-mails showing support and interacting with my video posts of whats now HiJack’d' (previously the J&H Experiment), it would mean the world to me. I’m trying to put out -something- even though I’m not in great health, and I hope people see and recognize that.

That said, I’ll try to stream as soon as I can - even if its using an avatar instead of my webcam for the time being. I appreciate any kind words, financial backing, etc you can spare. I’ll do my best to let it fuel me getting out of this rut.

GameLibBooster - An Update

Recently I was given a free copy of GameLibBooster to evaluate, and my original impressions… well, the post is a bit further back but they were good.

However…

Months later my steam library mysteriously uninstalled half my games. After reinstalling, I also had to reinstall Final Fantasy XI again. And then a SECOND time. This, obviously, is not optimal behavior so I’ve had to uninstall the software. I have a feeling this has to do with auto optimization, which it recommends. But that’s just not acceptable, especially when you have to reinstall about 100 games or so. That’s… a pretty big glitch.

So for now I really just can’t recommend the software. If they fix this behavior I’ll change my opinion. But for now it’s just a disaster, or it was for me at least.

Current Game: Final Fantasy XI (and Brave Exvius)

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After around 20 years of service, the Final Fantasy XI official servers will shut down. Or at least sooner rather than later. No date’s officially confirmed, but it’s expected. And the private servers still lack a lot of story functionality, so any experience after that will be -very- incomplete.

As many know, this game was my favorite for a very long time. I started playing the PC version on release day in the US. I played for years until my ex-wife started playing, which lead to her neglecting her children and depending on me to care for them and earn money - up until I literally couldn’t physically do it anymore, at which point she said “get out”. It was a pretty traumatic experience overall, and for a long time I blamed my once-favorite game. As time passed I missed it, though. The game, not the rest.

Even after all that… I do NOT want to miss out on the story of this game because of an unrelated bad experience. That’s just not fair. It’s not healthy, and I think it’d be something I’d regret.

Anyway, after 13 years I’m playing FFXI again. You can find me on Asura. We have a linkshell - TwitchAffiliates - which is mainly for streamers, but for any viewers who also want to take part. I help get members spells, level them, do early quests that have been there since the old days AS WELL as explore the new content.

So that’s what’s going on. I really hope to see you. Until May 31st you can get the game for $10 and you get a free month of service. I hope you’ll join us as well as watch on Twitch, Mixer, and YouTube!

Disablity Awareness & Ablism

How is it that outing racism is okay, outing homophobia is okay, but as soon as you out ablism people act like you're filth or crazy? - No. F*** that.

We get called “overemotional” and ”unrealistic” whenever a potential employer, ‘friend’, etc makes bigoted remarks about what we should or shouldn’t be able to do.

"But my mom had cancer and she worked while in chemo..."
"But I know others with fibro and they work"

Many people just have one problem. If they're able to deal or not depends on the situation, the severity, and how long they've had the disease. Basically every instance of an illness is unique. Some are more able than others. Get over yourself. And as for the cancer, her cancer went away. Fibromyalgia? Crohns? They get worse over time. Sometimes even acceleratedly so, depending on genetics.

"I offered you work and you quit/refused"
Because it didn't fit - I wasn't able to do it and it paid shit. I’m disabled, not sub-human.

"I didn't share your Go Fund Me even though I shared a working mom's because you -had- to be more able than you let on & you're able enough."
That ones especially irking, and as you can see… specific and personal.
So you’ll refuse to employ me because I’m disabled, then not share my GFM so I can pay rent as I was promised a job (by you) that backed out? Because you think I’m “able enough” - and supposedly you’re my friend? ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO. I won’t get put in the corner just because I called you out.

Do you realize how hypocritical this talk sounds now? Until you wake up everyday literally feeling like you were hit by car (literally literally, not millennial-speak ‘literally’), vomit and/or shit for hours after waking up, are unable to make eye contact and carry on spoken communication, and feel like at any moment you’ll get shot or… worse… when a MAN walks in a room? You’re really going to challenge my personal experience? … Would you do that to an LGBTQ+? Person of color? No. Because you know better and people that stuff seriously.

We deserve the same respect. We’re disabled, not mentally defunct and unable to register your microaggressions.

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ProJared

ProJared... wtf man?

I've made it a rule to be honest with my viewers. When I'm depressed, about my ex-family, about my ex, when I was dating, income, where money goes and what the credit was for, etc.

AND THEN HERE COMES THIS GUY. Cheats on his wife, allegedly exchanges nudes with teens, allegedly sleeps with another streamer, allegedly invites women to an 18+ Snapchat... This hurts people, whether the victims realize it yet or not.

I was a fan of him up until this. He seemed harmless. He was funny, and tbh he is one of the reasons I started streaming. Finding this out... It's disheartening. Yet again someone I looked up to turns out to be a shady scumbag

He's not a good role model nor someone I want to be. I want to be a good role-model to young people and adults. Open and honest, even if sometimes to my detriment. I just... I don't want to be that guy. At all. tbh the whole thing is messing with me. For the sake of my influencer status, I may even quit FetLife again. Hell, even Tinder and OkCupid.

Sexuality is healthy, but taking advantage of your status for it goes against my ethics completely. And given my "lack of interest in others" sexually anyway, while I want to date again... Yeah, Just not worth sending the wrong message about who I am.

I may also leave the poly groups. People STILL don't accept it, and finding out any way other than through me could lead to falsifications and assumptions. So that's out too.

What I'm doing, it's something I love and want to keep doing for a long time. Streaming is honestly the only thing I live to do anymore. Life-bullshit? Its just drama. Other jobs? Just draining. Working for someone else so they can make money off me when I barely see any of the fruits of that? I dislike it. It makes me feel like a pawn, and that's not a good way to feel. I'd rather be a leader or at least -FEEL- l like part of a team. ...People don't do that. DJs and artists, craftsmen, service people, etc feel like anything office-work based is somehow lesser than what they do. Yet without one, the other falls apart. Any business, all businesses. And often that team you work with may be the closest thing you have to a family. Luckily the one real job I have? Starting to feel like a team.

People don't acknowledge that. It's always JUST about pay, JUST about hours. Streaming though? The most free I've ever been, and my "clients" - the viewers? Close to family. I've gotten better and better, and I've overcome a lot of technical problems by MacGuyvering shit. It's fulfilling. So fuck yeah it's important, even if my ex didn't get it. Even if no one I date ever gets it. And it's worth being honest, 100%.

Sorry, that was a tangent. My point is… I love the internet’s gaming community, and want to work within it. I don’t want this man’s actions to send the wrong messages. I’m mad that a hero… wasn’t very heroic behind the scenes. It’s made us look bad and arguably more importantly affected multiple victims. I’m sorry to them, and to the rest of the community I hope you’ll not see all of us in a bad light because of his actions.

Anyway. Sorry about this. I just had to get the words out after seeing this mess.

Technical Difficulties

Even though my sleep schedule is normal now, I haven’t been able to stream.

My air conditioner ate shit Tuesday, and without it the temperatures been too hot for my equipment. I mean, I may not have bought it all but I also don’t want to destroy it. So given I couldn’t stream without it (OR do the weekly contracts for my workplace)… Today I bought a new air conditioner with my credit card.

I’ll be doing a 24hr stream at some point in hopes of earning it back to pay off that debt - I have enough bills as it is. And at the moment this doesn’t pay a lot, as I was offline and forgotten for so long. Regardless… It’s not a guilt trip, just a reason for the urgency.

Hope to see you soon!

The Etika Dilemma

Heavy content creation, be it edited video content or livestreams, can take a heavy psychological toll on creators. This is no more evident than Etika’s recent and unfortunate descent into a dark place. A long time Smash Bros content creator who was jettisoned into stardom overnight, Etika’s mental stability was weakened by his constant attention, viewers who enjoy what I refer to as “watching trainwrecks”, and his desperate need to change his content in to better match himself and his changing interests.

DJs often struggle with similar issues, often manifesting in alcohol abuse and drug addiction. I’m fairly familar from my short time as a DJ and via working within the industry even today - if only tangentally. So it’s easy for me to say assuredly that all content creators need to keep an eye on their mental wellness, and ideally have friends that will reach out when they seem to be crossing lines they wouldn’t otherwise cross. It’s also absolutely OKAY and a necessity to reach out to professionals, even if you think you’re alright, as a secondary mechanism for retaining your mental clarity. I myself have started this year, and it’s helped me deal with the demands of streaming, trying to earn money to pay medical bills/credit cards, loss, my past traumas, and lonliness.

Please; If you are a fellow streamer, creator, DJ - seek help. Even if things are fine in your own eyes. Burnout is real, peer pressure and audience-led antagonizing of detrimental behaviours is real, and the risk to yourself is (again) real. Don’t become Etika - a man who was unstable and unfortunately had himself banned from the very platforms that gave him his audience & ended up losing his mind and being arrested & committed with the world watching. Media outlets will probably try to turn this man into a political statement… and ‘fuck you’ for that. This man is a victim, and through my previous statements I’m sure you can see why. I’m a pretty liberal person… but c’mon. You wouldn’t attack someone for being developmentally challenged, so don’t attack someone emotionally unstable - both are kinda’ outta’ the victim’s control.

Don’t allow that to happen. Always stay on high-alert - seek help if you can. What we do is… it’s dangerous, on many levels. High risk. But with help, I believe we can still do what we do and keep the psychological fortitude to keep doing what we do.

If you need help or would like to help others, you can join my Content Creator Support Group on Discord here. However, if it's an emergency, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-8255 OR use their online chat feature.

Streaming Schedule for 4/28-5/4

4/28 - 8PM-2AM EST
4/29 - 8PM-2AM EST
4/30 - 8PM-2AM EST
5/1 - 8PM-2AM EST
5/2 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)
5/3 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)
5/4 - OFFLINE (Recallibrating sleep schedule for daytime streams/GMT viewers)

*(Doctor’s Apt) days are very difficult, leading to panic attacks due to leaving the house. While I try to keep to schedule, sometimes I’m simply not recovered in time for the livestream. I hope you understand.

Streaming Schedule for 4/21-4/27

4/21 - 8PM-12AM EST

4/22 - 7PM-1AM EST

4/23 - 7PM-1AM EST

4/24 - (Doctor’s Apt) / 7PM?-1AM EST

4/25 - 4PM-1AM EST

4/26 - 4PM-1AM EST

4/27 - 10AM-4PM EST

*(Doctor’s Apt) days are very difficult, leading to panic attacks due to leaving the house. While I try to keep to schedule, sometimes I’m simply not recovered in time for the livestream. I hope you understand.

Birthday

My birthday was Saturday, for those unaware.

I didn’t make a big-to-do really, just streamed as usual. While I’d rather be at a party or something like that, there simply wasn’t one. Spoonie did give me a gift of a container of G-Fuel earlier this week. That was nice. Otherwise… that was it. No night out, no Smash Bros, no drinking.

I realize that at 37, I’m shouldn’t expect “presents”, a party, cards… but I also didn’t get that as a kid, teen, or young adult. So having missed that, I crave that. I had really really hoped that I’d get tips, so I streamed a long time Friday and Saturday. I really needed that sort of extra cash for bills, to help aleviate financial stress.

I dunno. It was just a bummer, my blog is here, it was kind of an important day… so yeah. Bummer.

Thank you to my friend Sam's Mom

As most of my viewers are aware, I took a consolidation loan on all the rent and life-essential crap I had used debit cards to cover when I was bedridden and when I first moved into the city. My boss was late paying me… again… and the 15th is the day the consolidation loan’s payment goes through my bank account.

After three days of stressing (as before that I was “sure he’d pay on time”), I asked for help. I hate asking, as I feel like I did the work and should at least be able to cover my bills - and I don’t like burdening others. Sam’s Mom helped me out. Which is why I’ll be streaming this evening and not devolved into my usual fetal-position-avoiding-everything-including-streams.

I still owe her back the money, though. So hopefully I see more tips in streams, as I’d really like to have some fall-back money (at least $400) in my account for when my pay is late.

Thanks Sam’s Mom. I truly do appreciate it.

Updates on Streaming Equipment + GameLibBooster

Good news!
I’ve ended the problems with streams being put to a sudden end by building a second streaming PC.

I was saving these parts for a PC I was going to build and sell, as obviously I needed the money more than the parts. However… If I wanted to keep streaming and make any money at it, especially if I wanted sponsors, I had to fix the problem.

  • Ryzen 5 1600 CPU @ 3450mhz

  • 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX RAM @ 3200mhz

  • ASRock AB350M Pro 4

  • XFX RS Black RX 570 OC 4GB

    - MAX GPU @ 1600mhz, Mem @ 6000mhz

  • Razer Ripsaw USB Capture Card

  • Logitech C922X Webcam

  • AmazonBasics Professional USB Condenser Microphone

Parts like the mic, cam, and capture card were taken from the gaming PC. However, that many more resources are now freed for stable gaming… Oh but if only it were that easy.

FFXV in specific continues to crash, though I can’t seem to find why. Everything has been done, from uninstalling unused software to checking the Steam install. CCleaner scans are completed, antivirus scans check out. I have no idea what changed … OR I wish I could say that. I suspect the problem is related to Windows 10’s recent update and nVidia’s drivers. I do expect these to be resolved within the month.
YOU READ THAT MICROSOFT? GET YOU S*** TOGETHER!

However, thanks to the guys at Nurgo Software, the copy of GameLibBooster they provided me has boosted load times SIGNIFICANTLY. I was honestly impressed as load times were cut in literal half, as opposed to streams pre-Part 11. This will be great for other games in the future… preferably ones that don’t crash. I really do appreciate it and absolutely suggest this if you’re running multiple storage drives.

Anyway… I’d best edit the about page with the new PCs specs. Thanks for reading!

Why are you such a strange git?

Ah. Good question.

Almost completely irrelevant to this, l I bring you a constant within Japan that’s tengental. There it is common for someone to be really good at one single field. They immerse themselves within it, and while what here we’d consider different skills are learned, they’re mastered insofar as complementing the focal point.

For me, that’s PC hardware.

In the US, things are different. People waste their time with non-parallel hobbies like teams sports, going in a circle in a car the fastest, pretending to wrestle as show-y as possible. As well as religion and the targeting of ‘the Other’, reducing them to some perceived sleight via the completely subjective theme of “sin”, and following by purging them from the social space.

No. No thank you. I have things to do, and I’d rather slam my nether-regions in a sliding glass door than partake in the lunacy.

I build computers better than 90% of people using 50% of the parts, mostly because in almost every case I have to MacGuyver some creative way to use as few of a product or part as possible for the sake of cost, while managing to retain the same functionality. As any retired IT with years in the industry - this is your job.

To you its a “thing that works”, to me its far more complex. Aerodynamics, in terms of interior cooling. Applied thermal dynamics. Electrical engineering. Soldering. Graphic design, in terms of case decal design. You have to view power input as plumbing, water cooling as plumbing, and never the two shall meet. It’s complex, from tubing lengths to electric-to-heat conversions. It’s a history - from giant FORTAN computer rooms of old, to the ZX Spectrum and NES in everyone’s homes in the 80’s, to modern business computers and the PlayStation 4.

Granted, I do love gaming. But what enables you to game? Computers, game consoles, things that require this very knowledge - even if' its simply to repair one or something.

That’s what I care about. No other field could interest me more than computer hardware. In Japan that would be appreciated in terms of dedication and the honing of personal skill; the craft of it all. In the US it’s seen as “really effing weird”.

So basically - “Because society, now stop asking dumb questions”.

KOOLASON 12V 240W DIY Cooler

Recently der8auer released a video using a DIY water chiller, however his power consumption and heat removed were far less than optimal.

I would actually use this instead. Just one 240w cooler. I’d like to do a video on it, so maybe I’ll get lucky and by putting this out there I can get a sponsor for the video… In this case, someone to get me the part. If it works, summer streaming would be a lot easier for me, as this room is generally very hot and is why I didn’t stream last summer.